As Christians, we know that God created sex.
People like to say that Christianity and sex aren’t usually talked about…maybe that used to be how it was, but I’ve not found it to be true.
I’ve heard many sermons about the beauty of sex inside of marriage.
The truth is: most churches don’t consider sex a taboo subject anymore.
But there are certain aspects of sexual conduct that the church fails to address like anal sex between married people, sex toys, or sex during a woman’s period. And for good reason! The New Testament doesn’t account for all the things that acceptable within the marriage bed.
Sure, there are mentions in the Old Testament, but many pastors, authors, and bloggers often ignore these difficult subjects because they don’t want to address the delicate balance between New Testament grace and Old Testament law.
The New Testament simply states:
Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. Heb 13:4
What Does an Honorable Marriage Bed Look Like?
What does it mean to have an honorable marriage bed?
The definition of honor is:
- held in high esteem
- a privilege
When approaching this topic we have to examine our hearts to make sure that our first and foremost desire for our sex life should be to strengthen the bond between husband and wife without compromising our faith.
But before we discuss whether or not Christians can use sex toys within the context of marriage, I think it’s important to talk about what IS NOT okay with the bedroom walls and the purpose of sex.
What is Unacceptable in the Marriage Bed?
Theologians state the original intent of this verse was to forbid these practices within a marriage relationship:
These things ultimately weaken the relationship between a husband and wife.
I think the biggest takeaway from those things that are forbidden in a marriage bed is this:
Nothing that has flesh/blood/breath should be introduced into the marriage bed outside of the married man’s and married woman’s body.
The Purpose of Sex
Focus on the Family has this to say about the purpose of sex:
In addition, the Bible has three important things to say about the meaning and purpose of marital sex: first, it is central to the process by which husband and wife become one flesh (Genesis 2:24); second, it is the means whereby they participate in the ongoing work of God’s creation through the pleasure and delight of procreation (Genesis 1:28); third, it is intended to serve as a picture or symbol of the union between Christ and His Church (Ephesians 5:31, 32).
In other words, sex is for:
- Bodily unification of a couple
- Symbolic of a heavenly union
Are Sex Toys Okay for Married Christians Couples to Use?
Sex toys fall into some gray area for a variety of reasons.
It’s not another person or animal, but it’s not the anatomical organs of the married couple.
Regarding the expressed purpose of sex, it’s not a bodily union, it doesn’t aide procreation; therefore doesn’t symbolize a heavenly union.
But God designed sex to be enjoyed or else he wouldn’t have created the orgasm. Not all sex ends in procreation. And even regular sex can fail to symbolize the relationship between Christ and the church if done in a wrong spirit. So, you could be “doing it right” and totally miss the point.
Personally, I believe the married man’s body and the married woman’s body should be the sole focus of sexual intercourse.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean that the man’s body parts or woman’s body parts have to be the only members at play.
Sex toys can aid the a marriage relationship when used with wisdom but can also have some major drawbacks.
My official position is that the decision of how and when to use sex toys is solely between a husband and wife.
Here are some pros and cons to look at when deciding whether or not it’s okay for your marriage.
Helps Those with Low Libidos
Many couples suffer alongside spouses with low libidos.
Low libido affects women and men who are going through illness or disease, are on certain medications, are breastfeeding or pregnant, or who naturally have a low libido.
Sex toys can give relief to those who are wanting to enjoy sex but have difficulty. It can also ease the burden of the other spouse who is trying to please their significant other.
Let’s be real. Sex can get dull.
We do it the same way and mostly in the same position for years.
Sex toys can add some fun to a low spot in your sexual relationship.
When shopping for sex toys or enjoying them in the bedroom, a husband and wife are likely to tell the other what the do and do not like.
Sex toys can also increase visual communication.
Many times sexual positions and low lights keep us from looking at our partners face for clues to what pleases them. Sex toys can refocus our attention and remind us what makes our spouse tick.
Sexual exploration of your spouse’s body can happen without the aid of a sex toy, but sex toys can help promote it.
Many couples enjoy seeing the “hows” of their partner’s pleasure from another perspective. It has the ability to help them know what to do with their own body parts.
Visual exploration is especially exciting for men, which is a good way to delay their gratification while increasing the usually slower woman’s gratification.
Feeling of Inadequacy
If the only way a woman/man is able to achieve a climax is by a sex toy, it can leave the other person feeling inadequate to please their spouse.
Over time this can do major damage to the marriage relationship.
The unrealistically large shapes of a sex toy or tightness can lead to a woman/man feeling like they are not enough.
Fun for One But Not the Other
Sex toys can be dangerous when only one spouse wants to enjoy them.
If a wife or husband is opposed to using sex toys but feels forced to do so, this is not okay.
My motto is: If it’s not for everyone…it’s not fun for anyone.
Emphasizes Physical Satisfaction
Sexual intimacy is physical, emotional and spiritual.
Sex toys emphasize the orgasm, aka the physical aspect of sex.
Using them can make it easy to forget the other two in a world where time is scarce.
If you aren’t completely convinced that sex toys are okay, that can produce a lot of guilt for enjoying them.
The Bible says that if you think something is a sin…it is. (Romans 14:23)
Sex is already difficult enough without introducing guilt into the mix. If you aren’t convinced in your own mind…don’t use sex toys.
Before Anything Happens in the Bedroom
I think one of the biggest conversations a husband and wife should have when considering sex toys should answer these questions:
- Are we in agreement?
- Where is our focus?
- Will this honor the marriage bed?
And just for the record, many couples might decide it’s okay to use sex toys and then realize they aren’t okay with them anymore. And then they might decide they are okay again. Or visa versa.
And lastly, there are so many ways sexual love can be expressed that are unquestionable, often we can leave the questionable ones at the door without missing out on much.
After writing this post I was contacted by Christian Sex Toys which is a sex toy website with no pornographic images or nudity meant for married Christian couples. I have no affiliation with this company other than providing the link.